You know those addicts that plan themselves in front of slot machines and just feed the machine coins, begging to win? Im them and BD is the machine.
And its not just BD. This is what I do. I obsess. I let myself wrap my world around a singular person and just PINE like there is no tomorrow for them. And if I ever lucky enough to get them? I smother the hell out of them. Why am I like this? I feel like I should be sitting on a couch telling you about how I never felt loved enough by my mother when I was younger. Oh god and thats another revelation I had this week-- I am my mothers daughter!
My mom was a bit of a lush when she was my age. She had me at 23 and was divorced by 25 and drug my around with her through every relationship. Ive blocked alot of that part of my childhood out for a reason. She was always drunk, left me places, and had alot of loud sex. Now how in the hell does that make me her? I will fall for just about anyone who pays me mind, I get ridiculous when drinking and usually go overboard. Also, the hooking up is my version of her loud sex with her many bf's. Now for those of you who may read this but don't know me, I have slept with all of 2.5 people now at the ripe age of 24. I am very far from a slutty girl but for me, this is more than necessary. (the .5 explaination is coming)
So tonight I had a date. Who did I think about while getting dressed? BD because I knew I would see him afterwards since we talked about it the other day. He was my "SOS" person in case things went to shit. He was coaching me on how to ruin the whole date but Im far to nice for that. I could not had looked cuter tonight though. Denim strapless mini, orange sweater, flipflops, and cute earrings. I then had BW with Red satin polkadot heels in the car for when I went for drinks. What? BD got the good shoes for the night. lol
I agreed to meet Army Guy (AG) at Starbucks so we could chat a little before our planned movie date. He gets there and says "Ive never been here before." Like as in Starbucks or this location? Oh no people! He meant ALL Starbucks! His reason is because he doesnt drink coffee, uh, hello? Neither do I and Im at Sbux like 4 times a week! He bought my hot chocolate and ordered a sweet tea. Low and behold, he doesnt like it. ::eyeroll::
Head out to the movies and Im in panic mode. I left my debit card in my apron for work. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Now this is the 1 thing that makes me nervous about dating, paying for things makes me nervous. Its the same way when Im with new people too, I just always feel awkward when montetary situations arise. He was a total gentleman and paid for the movie of course (I can officially be taking on a date for $25) and let me tell you...Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was SOOOO amazing!! I wanna see it 10 more times, seriously. I could had geeked out the entire time if it wasnt just the 2 of us in the theater. On the ride home we talked about anime, manga, the Scott Pilgrim novel, and conventions. Yeah, it was the opitmoe of geek-speak but that was the only thing keeping this kid alive. His look is just not for me. He wears weird jewelry! Yes a necklace. Hes never been to Disney. Hes never been to Starbucks before tonight. He has no idea what kind of music I like, just had a blank stare. Has yet to do anything but text me as communication. Seems to lack passion. A terrible speller. Doesnt always pay attention and seemed a little sheltered. :sigh:
So he invited me to his house but I told him I had to get up early [glancing at clock, its 2:40am] because I wanted to meet BD for a drink as planned. He wants to get together again but I dont know. He was nice but just seems a little lacking. Not to mention, he worse some old khaki cargo shorts, flipflops, and a bright blue tshirt. Please review what *I* was wearing. Yeah.
Cut to drinks with BD. I text him "The Pub. 20 mins." No response but I figured he'd be there. I jet over there, throw on a little makeup and the cute heels because I wanna LOOK like I was just sexing it up on my date, and skim the parking lot for his car...not there. I call and he's leaving his date/hang out/old friend thing downtown and he'll meet me there. Ugggggh not how I had it planned out in my head. I actually had the balls to walk into the bar, lay a big kiss on him, and just say 'thanks, I needed that' and order my drink. He ruined that one! We get our drink, he asks about the date and says that this isnt the guy for me. He wont even bother to call, he'll text and I can do better. Of course I cant help but talk about giving up and maybe I should just settle for AG, which is a thought I was having! What if....this is as good as its gonna get? I even thought-- this might be the last person to ever ask me out. Ever. Would I rather be alone or with someone Im not interested in for the sake of being with someone? I already know the answer to that. Alone is better. It just always seems when Ive resolved myself to being single forever, and Im content with it, I find my new IT person. And then begin the game of slots.
BD might like me. There is no cracking him.
Im going to bed, my head hurts from all the analyzing, bitterness, sweetness, and attempts at being normal. Its exhausting.
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