First of all I have re-lost the weight I gained on vacation. Granted, I didnt gorge myself on food while in California but I did eat delicious delicious foods that I still find myself craving! I found out I liked edamame and fried calamari, yum. But now heres the thing, Ive lost about 31lbs since December and you would think, "now that Ive lost this weight, someone must notice and find me more attractive; maybe even be interested in me!" This is not true. Nobody but my parents have noticed and still, nobody is interested in me.
Today is one of those days where I feel the vast emptiness that has been left in my heart. And its all a bit confusing to me. I mean, I not in love with this person anymore, I think I just miss the feeling of being loved by them. I miss the idea of an "us" again, those times when you had someone else missing you and knowing their heart beat for you the way yours does for them. I miss that. And in my heart it hurts because I remember what it use to be like. Its not crying out for that person but the memory they left behind.
Dont think I dont miss them of course, everyday I am reminded how we'll never be apart of each others lives and each time they seem to slip away more, I get a little more depressed about it. Why cant you force life to be the way it once way? Just pick out the little bits of happiness and hold onto them forever.
Well that all is depressing.
What else? Oh yeah, Im at another impasse wondering what to do with my life. Stay in school, work for a degree I might not even like, might not find a job in the field, might not be able to perform the job for that long becos of having to lift people, etc.
Then theres the possiblity of working at the grocery store for a career. Sure, it can add up to mad cash if you climb the ladder and work your tail off but its kind of a shitty job. The company is great, sure, but the customer service aspect is rough, the job is manual labor, and who knows how long it takes to make management.
And lastly, there is my life long dream of being a fabulous event planner. I struggle all the time with the idea of, "why cant you do what you love? what makes you happy? why does it have to be so hard."
So what do I do? Financially, I think I have to quit school in order to pay for my bills, car, cell, and general lifestyle. But what if Im giving up on something I could end up enjoying and didnt give myself a chance to find out? Just a chance I have to take huh?
I think what I ultimately have to do is fight for what I want. Work my ass off for event planning jobs and just pursue it like my life depends on it, I owe that to myself.
And heres another thing on my mind. I am loving the people I have gotten to know lately. I am also hating some people I have gotten to know in the past. Thank you to my lost bestfriend for FINALLY making me see that my ex-bf is a "putz" are she put it. Today I woke up to his drama that continues to haunt me and I feel like will never go away. HE HAD SUCH POTENTIAL! He was so passionate about what he did in the kitchen and yet he continuously keep fucking up. He cant fight his addiction to drugs or something because he just can't get his life together and it drives me insane. I will no longer be your crutch. I will not be your keeper. And I will not be the person who bails you out of life anymore-- youre on your own and I want nothing more to do with you. I will not let you drag me down any longer.
Okay one last thing. I have been addicted to watching romantic movies lately. Why do I torture myself like this? I'll be fine, watch a bunch of them and then when I melt away all the cynicism I had been feeling about love, I gowge open that wound my last love left and I curl into a ball with my sock bunny and try to forget it. Whats wrong with me that someone doesnt wanna love me? Dont wanna chose me?
Really what it is, is that Im buying into this movie-romance idea and life is just not like that. Get over it. People are always going to disappoint you and love is just a game to see how much hurt you can endure until it too much and the relationship ends. Why do I ever want that again, right?
Blah
I think thats everything floating around in my head for now. So off to apply for a job or two and then hit the hay.
- Thank you God for HER and the memories she gave me. Although I miss my friend and wonder if she is alright, I know youre taking care of her. She has touched my life so dearly, thank you thank you thank you.
- Thank you God for my new great friend that reminded me how to smile again
- And thank you God for the family I have been given. Without them I wouldnt be strong enough to endure the tests you give me each day.
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