Okay-- so I have developed a hardened exterior towards love and feel very cynically about it now. Definition of cynical:
cynical |ˈsinikəl|
adjective
1 believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful ofhuman sincerity or integrity : her cynical attitude.
• doubtful as to whether something will happen or whether it is worthwhile : most residents are cynical about efforts to clean mobsters out of their city.• contemptuous; mocking : he gave a cynical laugh.Thats where Im at. I have loved 2 people in my life. And granted, my life is not all that lengthy, but those two loves have been profound and created who I am today. The first of the two, Mike was okay. It was highschool....you think you're going to be together forever....and then you start to settle because you want to be able to say "oh we've been together for the past __ years!" And so many people kept saying how they envied me and wished they had our relationship. Well they weren't IN my relationship, they don't know what it was like. The last two years we were together just weren't what I led myself to believe they were. I over looked so much, I settled on things being a certain way because I just figured thats how it was gonna be, and I did things that made me mad because I was so eager to be happy. It took me forever to realize...I wasn't happy any longer and I ended it as a drunken joke and then just forced myself to stick to it in the morning knowing it was the best decision in the end. I think I crushed him though. And I use to feel so bad about it until I met her.
When she came along, I couldn't think of anything or anyone else. My heart that had been frozen and boarded up, came alive again. I remembered what it was like to wanna be someone elses everything and I made her my world. Even when I was with Mike, I was never this happy. It was different with her. Maybe because I was older, or maybe because it was different circumstances overall but she was just....so perfect. Through good times and bad, all I ever wanted to do was love her. And I think I was bad at it in the end. After things happened, if I were in her position, none of it would had mattered in the end, I would had just wanted to stay with her. Be with her. Still be the reason she smiled.But Im not her. I dont feel the same way about certain things. And in the end, she probably made the right decision for her. But then there are nights like this. When I just wanna scream LOVE ME! WHY DONT YOU FEEL THE WAY I DO! WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE YOU LOVE ME AGAIN?! YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING, DONT YOU SEE THAT?! And it eats away at me sometimes. Not all the time. Im usually pretty strong but sometimes I bend and break. Not to mention, Ive been having depression issues since April. Why? I have no idea! But I dont like it, I cry for no reason, and sometimes I just don't wanna get out of bed or function. And even when something like that happens, when Im feel like my emotions are plastered to the floor and there is no getting up again, there she is. And the whole time, she has no idea what she means to me. I think she did once but now shes done--like it doesnt exsist.
Okay, now that Ive rambled about my loves here is why Ive become cynical. I dont wanna feel hurt anymore. I let my guard down for her and ruined it for myself in the end. Why bother? I already feel like Im going to be alone forever, why not make myself hardened and prepare for that now. I hate people who are in love. Its not real! That person is going to hurt you in the end or you're going to hurt them and the pain of that is unbearable. If you dont love anyone, you can't hurt them, right? I guess thats something I need to live by. I still just want her to love me but that feeling is not up to me. My heart is hers and frankly, I dont want it back. Nobody has taken better care of it than her. Not even me.
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