Happiness

I was just talking to my friend K about the feelings Ive been having lately.
Im sure its just because I started taking the Pill again, and unlike last time, Im not crying all the time but I am feeling strange. Im getting this awful nausea at night alot, accompanied by a headache, and all I can do is sleep it off. Not to mention the hermit behavior that I have developed.

I dont wanna see anyone. I have no desire to go hang out with friends, talk on the phone, and even today-- I had no desire to text anyone back because I just didnt care or feel like making that extra attempt to care either.

Dont get me wrong, I do like my friends but the fact that theyre making such a big deal about not seeing me is annoying. Nobody comes to see me, they whine just about me not coming to see them! I thought a "friendship" was two sided. That the phone worked both ways and you both came together to see one another. Not just "you dont come see me." Its really a big turn off to me even giving a shit.

And I was mildly depressed that a few friends have seemed distant lately but maybe Im doing the same thing and not realizing it. 1 friend I recently think I figured out why the distance, Im no longer on the same level as them and I think theyre just going to focus on their life right now. Which is great! Good things are turning in their world and I want them to be there for every part of it.
Another friend just disappeared without warning. This is the heartbreak of social networking. You always want an explaination but you dont get one when theyre gone.

It leads me to wonder if Im a bad friend. If my inward times in my life drive people away. And I really this person or am I the other side of myself where Im happy and bubbly? Which person am I really?

Now Im blaming all of this awkwardness on the new meds but then Ive also got a relationship with MG that I am really trying to grow.
Yes-- I realize my last post he had broken up with me but we talked and things were resolved to a good point. Not that a little bit of drama hasnt reared its ugly head from time to time again but Im just trying to get him to talk to me more. The boy lives inside of his head and alot of that stuff needs to come out!

So in between working as many hours as possible at work,
Learning new tasks and getting new responsibility at work,
Building a relationship with someone,
Going to doctors to figure out whats making me sick,
Taking a new medicine,
and taking care of my family. (Gpa has been falling apart lately)

When do I get to do something so selfish and demanding for just myself?
Im not even sure I know what makes ME happy anymore.